


AU Meme: Sam Vimes

by lost_spook



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Genre: Alternate Universe, Ficlet, Gen, Meme
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-18
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-12-31 08:44:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12128787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lost_spook/pseuds/lost_spook
Summary: 9 AU scenarios for Sam Vimes.





	AU Meme: Sam Vimes

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Hamsterwoman in an LJ/DW meme.

**Wild West**

Sheriff Vimes woke to the unfamiliar sounds of a scrubbing brush at work somewhere much too nearby. He risked opening an eye and lifting his head up from the pile of Wanted posters on his desk.* He registered his deputy, Carrot, in the cells, busy with a bucket of water, a bar of soap and a scrubbing brush. He could have sworn the iron bars were gleaming, and through the window, he saw Detritus pass by with a bucket in each hand.

“All right, what’s going on? Has there been some incident I don’t want to know about?”

Carrot paused in his task and leapt up to salute, despite Vimes’s instructions not to Darn Well Do That Again. “Cleaning up the town, as ordered, sir!”

 

*Some of them might even not have been used as a dartboard by Nobby and Fred.

 

**Coffee Shop**

“It can’t be that bad,” said Sybil. “I think it’s a splendid idea – gets the police right out into the community in a positive way.”

Vimes remained uncheered. Vetinari, current head of the Town Council, had said something like that when he proposed the members of the local police station help out at the community café. 

“It won’t be positive when Nobby finally manages to poison one of the customers, it’ll be a Public Relations nightmare!”

 

**Shapeshifters**

“ _Wizards_ ,” muttered a rather scrawny seagull with a vile-tempered expression, or rather he would have said it had he not had a beak. “How to make the current watch resources stretch further and increase vigilance, Ha, Bloody _Ha_.”

The glossy eagle beside him merely took flight over the city.

 

**Fantasy/Fairy Tale**

It must have been round about chapter three: Captain Vimes raced into the room, his underpaid guards close behind, ahead of them only one man with a gleaming sword…

 

**. . . In SPACE!!**

First Security Officer Vimes pulled himself off the floor and yet again cursed the day he’d signed on with the _Ankh-Morpork_ , the creakiest old rustbucket of a so-called passenger liner left in the service. 

It took him a while longer to register that something particular had woken him and that that something was a distressed female, now looming over him.

“Officer,” she said, without seeming to take any notice of his current condition. “One of my pets has been murdered!”

“Your… pet?”

“Yes – poor little fellow – a most intriguing specimen I picked up last planetfall. Perfectly harmless, but –”

 

**Apocalypse**

Vimes watched the boiling lava flood the city below from a ledge on one of a range of mountains that hadn’t been there till yesterday.* What they were suddenly doing there was anyone’s guess, since the wizards had sworn on their hats it wasn’t them, honest. And since ‘anyone’ now amounted to Vimes and his solitary hooded companion, he was buggered if he knew. Typical, really. They’d only just got the Watch House rebuilt again. With a new dartboard and kettle and everything.

“We could be the only ones left,” he said, to his fellow survivor, trying not to look at the view again.

NO, said his companion, turning to face him. I AM AFRAID NOT.

Vimes froze, his brain gradually catching up with his senses, or at least, whatever part of him that was left working through some similar sort of metaphysical process. “Oh. Right. Bugger that, then. At least I didn’t feel anything. The smoke, I suppose, eh?” He hoped it had been the same for the rest of them, and feared not.

 

*including the sinister smoking one that had not, it turned out, contained any dragons, despite Sybil’s convictions on the subject, but which had nevertheless proved Significant.

 

**Schoolfic**

The headmaster surveyed Vimes with a dispassionate air. The boy was, it had to be said, not the most prepossessing member of the Sixth Form, but nevertheless Mr Vetinari was certain of his choice.

“Ah, Vimes,” he said, after a pause perfectly judged to cause unease in even the most troublesome of his pupils. “Congratulations. You’re to be St Ankh’s newest head boy. I trust you will do the school proud.”

The boy’s gaping, horrified expression was, even Mr Vetinari felt, somewhat amusing.

 

**Supernatural**

The trouble with these academics was that they just weren’t practical enough, faffing about with a lot of wild garlic and rosaries and prayers and what have you. Vimes let the professor get on with it, but he had a back up plan of his own. The bloody vamp was going to get a shock when it showed up tonight and instead of a fetching young lady in a white nighty, he found a bewigged PC Nobbs in the bed, and Carrot and Colon behind the curtain, ready with an over-sized crossbow loaded with a large and exceptionally pointy wooden stake.

And just in case the damn thing got sneaky, Vimes and Cheery would be down here in the basement with the young lady in question and a vat of holy water. Blood-suckers were the worst. It wasn’t anything personal, it was just that a thousand years’ history as a serial killer equalled a hell of a lot of paper work. 

 

**Regency**

It is a truth universally acknowledged that the last thing a beleaguered night watchman wants on his patch is a genuine Lady looking for a missing mongrel from her Home for Stray Animals, but, nevertheless, that was what life had decided to throw at Captain Vimes…


End file.
